Emily Merrell  00:00

Hey, my name is Emily Merrell. I’m a taco loving people connector, and I’m obsessed with playing the name game and all things networking. I’m the founder of second degree society, a female focused networking community, as well as a business coach for female business owners, passionate about bringing their business to the next level with the help of events, community and connections. I crave deep conversations and am continuously curious to see what makes people tick, and I’m invested in uncovering their stories with some life lessons along the way. This podcast is aimed to inspire and educate as you tackle your busy day. So join the conversation and tune in for the second degree podcast. Welcome back to the show. I am your host, Emily Merrell, and I am so excited today to talk about something that I’m really excited to talk about, which is women’s dating with the fabulous Lauren fendrist. She is a woman’s dating coach based in Chicago. Lauren, welcome to the show.

 

Lauren Fondriest  01:02

Thank you so much. Emily, happy to be here.

 

Emily Merrell  01:05

I love this conversation, and I feel like there’s a 98 different directions in which we can go with it. But I want to start with rom coms. I recently just started rewatching the rom com, you’ve got mail. Do you remember that? Do you remember? Oh, yes,

 

Lauren Fondriest  01:24

that was absolutely one of my favorites. And

 

Emily Merrell  01:26

okay, here’s the thing that I loved about that, that movie, is she gets excited because she gets one email a day, right? Like, the thrill of one email where you’re like, actually looking now I feel dread when I look at my email and she’s like, she is just looking for that one email. Is that amazing? Yes,

 

Lauren Fondriest  01:46

it’s such a different way of connecting, right? Or the You’ve Got Mail little chime that El would give her, and you could just feel her emotion in those moments that like anticipation, that excitement so different than what you described with our overflowing inboxes today, right?

 

Emily Merrell  02:06

Well, I actually that sound, they like played the AOL sound, and I felt like I felt that anxiety, like, that good anticipation of, like, Is my crush gonna be online today? Or, you know, you get online and then he, like, shuts the door and you’re like, Did you sign off because I got online? And then you go and cry about it. It’s really sad.

 

Lauren Fondriest  02:28

Angstrom,

 

Emily Merrell  02:31

yes, oh my gosh. Fun fact, my anxious away message was a Miss Piggy quote that said, only time will heal a broken heart, just like Only time will heal his broken arms and legs.

 

Lauren Fondriest  02:47

Wow, we’ve come a long way.

 

Emily Merrell  02:50

Think I’d be arrested if I was 15 and posted that now, yeah, don’t break up gun run, but anywho, I digress. What’s I’m actually curious. What’s your favorite? Like rom comi, or do you even like rom coms movies?

 

Lauren Fondriest  03:05

You know, back in the day you got mail, was absolutely one of my favorites. I also recently acknowledged that never been kissed was a favorite. And looking back, that is very problematic in today’s today’s eyes,

 

Emily Merrell  03:20

I went to a romcom festival in 2019 one of my girlfriends used to produce these festivals, and she had never been kissed as one of them. And then we had like a panel. There was a panel afterwards, and we dissected, to your point, how messed up it is. It’s like an adult teacher who is disappointed when he finds out that a 17 year old student is not, in fact, 17, yeah, not, not, yeah, very trouble about it. Yeah, not, not. I not ideal, but so tell me about you. How did you get into this world of women’s dating coaching?

 

Lauren Fondriest  03:57

Yes. So speaking of problematic dating when I was single, and I was single for a period of six years, between a breakup at age 27 and then finding my husband at 33 during this time, I struggled so hard with dating, I realized no one actually teaches us how to date. We grow up reading Cosmo magazine. The world is filled with terrible dating advice. And even though, by all appearances, I was living my best life, I was really feeling so much anxiety around dating because I was in a cycle of not standing up for myself, not advocating for my own needs. I was constantly accommodating for the guys that I was dating, and putting up with their bad behavior. I ended up in quite a few situationships, and let’s just say, by every. Saturday night, I was really upset that I hadn’t met my person. It felt like this timeline that I was putting on myself, of constantly wanting to meet someone who would reciprocate the amount of love that I had to give. So at some point at my last situationship, when that exploded, I drew a line in the sand and I said, No more. I am no longer willing to settle for this kind of behavior. I need to put myself out there and stand up for myself. And I really declared to the universe what I wanted, and what I wanted was a partner who was ready to commit to me and build a life together. And of course, barely a month later, I meet my husband, and it’s been such an incredible experience since then, of really learning how to build a healthy relationship with him, and I’m now channeling not only that lived experience, but also my talents for coaching and transformation to be a guiding light for the next generation of women to help them date with confidence and date in a healthy way so they can build a committed relationship from the start. Oh,

 

Emily Merrell  06:21

I that so resonates. And I wish we all graduated and were given a Lauren to help navigate these terrible, you know, these terrible and fundamental parts of our lives. But when you look back from that 27 year old Lauren, who is dating all of these people, like, what do you what do you wish you had been able to tell her, or what, what would you have changed if you could have changed her?

 

Lauren Fondriest  06:47

I wish that 27 year old Lauren understood that my needs are just as important as my dad’s needs. Now, at that time, I probably if you said the word needs, I probably wouldn’t even have known so what that looks like is really thinking about your own self care and what allows you to feel good in a relationship, to feel seen, unheard and cared for. And I wasn’t really receiving any of that in my situationships, so I would have given myself more empowerment at that time to recognize how I would have liked to feel in a relationship, and stand up for that and have the courage to express to my dates when my needs weren’t being met, and

 

Emily Merrell  07:44

I like what you said. You’re like, I didn’t even know what my needs were. So how would you encourage even ourselves now? Like, I feel like sometimes I know what my needs are. I’m like, Oh, my needs are being met. And then I’m and then I feel a little aimless of what needs, of what my needs, my defined needs are, can you help us navigate for our listeners and for myself in real time? Like, how do you identify needs and stick to them?

 

Lauren Fondriest  08:10

Absolutely, this is something that we can do in every arena of our lives, not just in dating. I really encourage the women that I work with to practice tuning into themselves first. So that looks like sitting quietly. Maybe it’s a walking meditation. Maybe it’s through journaling. Tune into your body. What is it telling you? Where are you feeling tension? Do you feel expansive? Or do you feel like your gut is telling you something’s off. How do you feel in your heart, right? And, of course, how do you feel in your brain, which is where most of us go most of the time, our constant thought cycles. We’re really good at making up stories that may not be true, so keep bringing back that mindful practice of checking in with yourself. First to say, Does this feel good for me? Do I feel safe? Do I feel secure here? Or am I feeling constantly anxious and constantly confused, which I experienced all the time in dating, and I didn’t know that there was a way out of it at the time. So the hope that I want to give for women who are experiencing that constantly is that there is a way through that, and it starts with tuning into yourself, really figuring out, okay, what do you need right now to feel good? And also, what is future you need. So, yeah, no, I was gonna

 

Emily Merrell  09:46

say, I think that’s such a good reminder just to carve out time to listen to ourselves. So often we can be moving at a clip that we forget to put ourselves on the front burner. We’re always hanging out on the back burner. So, yeah. Just checking in and hearing like, what do I want? What do? What does Future Me want, and not sacrificing it. But I’m curious, you know, you brought up different like situationships, and I always think of love styles or love languages, or not even love languages, sorry. Attachment style. Attachments, yes. Attachment styles. Have you found that your attachment style has evolved as you’ve evolved in the work you’ve done?

 

Lauren Fondriest  10:30

Actually? Yes. So when I did a deep dive on Attachment styles, when I first learned what that was, late into my single days, when I learned what an anxious attachment style was, it was the first time I felt understood. It really described all of the ways why I was dating, the way that I was meaning constantly in that cycle of wondering, will he text me, or will I even see him again? Or is he off dating someone else? Right, constantly asking questions. And when I realized that that was characteristic of an anxious attachment style, it made so much more sense. And then I learned the tools to date in that style, instead of just again, back to our needs, instead of just squashing my needs down, I learned my needs are my needs, right? So part of this process is courageously expressing those needs who your date or to your partner, and giving them the opportunity to meet those

 

Emily Merrell  11:43

so when you’re you’re now husband, walks into the room or onto the dating app or however you met. Did you meet him on a nap?

 

Lauren Fondriest  11:51

Oh, we met on Tinder. Okay, I love it.

 

Emily Merrell  11:58

Tinder is a great place to meet. I and I think it’s so funny how, like, at the beginning when people met on dating apps, they felt like they had to hide it, or like, come up with a story, and now you’re like, of course, I met on Tinder or Bumble or pinch or plenty of fish or fill in the blank app for for meeting people. But what? What were the qualities about him and the qualities about you that that differed from other relationships or or men that you’d gone out with?

 

Lauren Fondriest  12:29

Yes, that’s a great question. So I think we kept our conversation pretty brief on the app. Quickly set up a date, which is important, right? You don’t want to get lost in the limbo of being penned pals. If you’re interested in learning more about someone move to set up a date, that’s a best practice. So on our first date, we actually dug a little bit deeper than I normally would with first date questions, and we talked about some of the things that are actually really important to both of us, such as mental health and our family experiences when we were able to relate to each other on a deeper level, even in date one, than I did for any of my other dates and date two, he expressed that he wanted to make time for me to Get to know me better and see where this could go as a relationship. So having him state that intention very early on was so shockingly different than anything I had experienced in the past, and it really pointed to that he was ready for a committed relationship and was willing to invest the time to see, are we a good fit to be in a committed relationship? So it felt different right from the start,

 

Emily Merrell  13:49

and when he said that he wanted to carve out time for you, was your anxious brain freaking out or like and running for the hills, or feeling seen and valued, or both

 

Lauren Fondriest  14:03

somewhere in between. Yes, both think because was so different than anything I had experienced, it did make me feel a little bit uncomfortable. But when I really sat with that and said, Wow, this is actually what I want, this is what I’ve been asking for. Wow, it’s amazing what you get when you get clear on what you want and you ask for it, and you are open to receiving that. So there was certainly a process of me opening up to receive it, and I it makes

 

Emily Merrell  14:37

me chuckle, because then you think of like the guy you dated before, and you might be sacrificing parts of yourself. You’re like, yeah, we live in Iowa, no problem. I’d love that. Like, you know, you try to, you try to fit, fit yourself into the box that they put, put for you, and it gets uncomfy. Or I just remember, like, before. I dated my husband, I dated a guy who was very much like, oh, you couldn’t have guy friends, you know. Like, I’m a very jealous person. Did it. And that sounded so sexy in a weird way, you know. But then when you like, pull back the layers of it, that’s actually really controlling, and that’s, there was so much that I didn’t like about this person, but like that. I You see these relationships in movies or in TV where he’s like domineering, and that’s that’s attractive. So then when a guy all of a sudden is communicating his needs, or says, I like you, it feels off putting, even though that’s what you do want. So it’s, I think of mine, fudgery, basically, right,

 

Lauren Fondriest  15:47

right? And in the example that you gave, right in the moment, you were probably wrapped up in the fantasy of, wow, this guy is being really intentional, and he’s telling me what he wants, but when you step back and think about, what does Emily want? You thrive on connections with other people and to have that taken away from you. No way, no way would you want to live the rest of your life like that, totally.

 

Emily Merrell  16:16

Or, you know, I dated a guy once who I still adore such a good person, but he, at the time, was a struggling actor and like a comedian, and I remember just thinking, you know, back to the fantasy we lived in, or we didn’t live we he lived in a one bedroom East Village apartment, but he lived in the living room and rented out his bedroom to someone, and We would walk, I would have to walk through this bedroom to go to the bathroom. Like, of this, whoever was sleeping in the bath in the bedroom, and that was weird. And, you know, yeah, to your point, you make this fantasy of like, oh yeah, I’ll be the breadwinner, and, you know, he’ll just keep doing his bar job. And like, you just make that story work for your life at that time, and then you get to a different point of your life where you’re like, oh my god, I’m so glad that didn’t that wasn’t my my ending

 

Lauren Fondriest  17:13

Exactly, exactly. And the women that I work with as my coaching clients are mostly in their 30s, and think about how dating in your 30s is a very different ballgame than dating in your 20s. Right in your 20s, we all have those experiences a little questionable at times. And you’re in your 30s, you start to see many of your friends getting married or having children, and you think, when is it my time? And the beauty of dating in that age range is that you’ve had so much more life experience to really get clear on who you are as a person and what matters to you. What kind of lifestyle do you want to create? And dating from that place is so much more empowering. The number one thing that I work on with my coaching clients is to date from a place of self, love and self

 

Emily Merrell  18:17

and to your point, like, I think you can be a little bit more discerning in your 30s, or better, or for worse, with that, there’s less settling. But tell me. So tell me what it’s like to work with you and tell me. Tell me what it’s like to be a client. Let’s, let’s do a little role playing here. Yes, yes.

 

Lauren Fondriest  18:35

So I work with women who are fed up with the hamster wheel of the situationships or getting ghosted, right, all the things that we see in the dating world. And they know that they’re ready to find their long term committed partner, and dating with that intention is in mind is a very different process than dating, just to date, just to have fun. So through my coaching sessions, I actually have a very structured process to guide women through this transformation of intentional dating. So we start with the foundation of self love and really getting stronger on what do you want and what lights you up and what brings you energy, and when you date from a place of that magnetic energy, it’s totally different. Then you can attract someone who loves you for you, exactly as you are, not the version of yourself that you pretended to be in your 20s, yeah,

 

Emily Merrell  19:42

being loved for exactly who you are, for for the weird things that come out of your brain and the same the things on your mind and not feeling like you have to edit yourself or have to like we’ve all been there before. You know, you even see it in movies too, where they have the makeup on the moment. I wake up, and before the guy wakes up, and it’s like, of course, I woke up like this. You know, my hair, my hair is perfectly done. And I think it was in marvelous Mrs. Maisel, right? It was, and she did that every day. And she’s like, perfect. And her mouth, you know, there was no ugliness to her ever.

 

Lauren Fondriest  20:23

What a crazy expectation to set up for yourself. It’s not sustainable. If you want to be in a lifelong relationship with someone who loves you, for you, not a made up version of you, you have to get used to showing up as your incredible, magnetic self, and so there’s a lot of confidence building that goes into that and figuring out, how do you want to put yourself out there, right? Some people are using dating apps, but a lot of people I see today are actually burnt out on dating apps, and they’re looking for ways to meet people in person and have those real life connections. So we talk about, what are ways that feel authentic for you, to put yourself out there, widen your network and be your own best advocate, and actually, Emily, I feel like you’d really appreciate this, because connecting is what you do. So think about now you’re married, but if you had to go back into the dating world, how could you be your own best advocate and consider asking friends, hey, do you know anyone that might be a good fit for me to go on a date with?

 

Emily Merrell  21:34

It was It happened more in my 20s, but I even had, like, blind dates from family friends, which is funny because now I add them on LinkedIn, and I was like, did I bet on the wrong horse? They, like, very successful, very, very, very successful individuals. But like, my stepdad put me on a date, or had me on a date with a guy, and then, like, a family friend set me up on a date with people. What was weird about the only weird thing about it was kind of like an expectation, or, if it didn’t work out, there was a little bit more awkwardness there. But I have definitely played matchmaker, especially to one of my best friends. I feel like, whenever I meet a single guy, I’m like, so tell me about you. Oh, you’re single. Are you open to being set up, and then, you know, she met her boyfriend, an ex boyfriend through that. Yeah, Greg’s ex boss, actually, I met him and set them up, and they dated for two years. So, oh, but, but to your point, I even when I started, when I started feeling like I was at an age where I wanted to really, like, stop playing the game. I got off the apps, and I kept my eyes open and three people in a row that I dated, including my husband, I met in person. And so, yeah, it was just one was a wedding. One was a bachelorette party, which was how I met my husband, and one was at a Racket Club. It was an all male Racquet Club, great place to go to meet men. And my it was like, once a year or something, they allow women to come for a holiday party. And my friend was invited and invited me, and I ran into someone who I’d run into multiple times over our lives and like that was the right time to meet again. Wow, right?

 

Lauren Fondriest  23:26

These crazy connections that you maybe never even dreamed of. And I always want to remind women that men are everywhere, right? Yeah, I constantly hear there are no more good quality men out there. I don’t know where to find them. Well, my advice would be to when you leave your house, be aware of your surroundings and notice all of the people around you, especially at the grocery store or the coffee shop, all the places that you’re probably already going like the gym, right there are men all around you, so the key here is to not only be more aware of your surroundings, not buried in your phone, but also shift your mindset around that that men are accessible, and it’s just a matter of connecting with more people to find the right match for you.

 

Emily Merrell  24:25

I’m so with you too. I think that what you said about being buried in your phone so many people just wait for their food to arrive to them, versus hunting for their food. And so why aren’t we? We’re not putting ourselves in positions of like being exposed to other people, they’re just waiting for a man to walk in your door and, like, plop into your life. And realistically that, hopefully that doesn’t, that doesn’t happen so and I think, to another point too, like cues of connectivity are it’s so easy to, like, strike up a commonality by like. Scene, what, what is, what are the words say on their sweatshirt at the gym? Oh, do you know college like, even if this isn’t your person, maybe he has a friend that he thinks you’d be awesome to meet. Right? Exactly,

 

Lauren Fondriest  25:12

exactly? I think you are probably the queen of being able to strike up a conversation out of thin air. But I want everybody to know that that is possible, right? And it might take a little bit of courage at first and practice to do that, but the more you get used to striking up conversations with people, right, the better you get at it. And of course, you want to feel safe doing that and think about, you know, what do they have going on in that moment? But I think the power of those random connections can really give us a good mental boost.

 

Emily Merrell  25:53

Yeah, I’ll say one thing I’ve observed, too, just in networking in general, and also dating. I think your body language of like open, openness versus not openness. Like, if you’re crossing your arms and you’re like this, and everything is inward, it’s going to be a lot harder to for someone to approach you, you know, so like, Be cognizant. Are you like, open? Is it? Are you showcasing that? Like you subliminally, that you can come be approached like, what are the cues that you’re giving people?

 

Lauren Fondriest  26:26

Yes, that’s huge, right? I talk a lot about being open in terms of being approachable and having the ability to meet someone in person, right? So consider your body language, not looking at your phone, even where you find a seat. So let’s say you’re at a bar or a coffee shop. Could you find a seat that’s in the pathway where people might naturally be walking, and then you can smile at someone or make eye contact with someone, right and give them that soft welcome to come say hi.

 

Emily Merrell  27:04

I love that. Yeah, I always think my parents met on a plane. And I always think of that story, because you hear that more often, but even like a Southwest where you get to choose your seat, and you get to choose your middle seat, like, choose it next to a cute person, like, who knows exactly sure that happens more often than southwest advertises it for so, Lauren, tell me, how can people find out more about working with you? And what is it? What? What does that look like?

 

Lauren Fondriest  27:37

Yes, absolutely. So if you are a single woman, or, you know, a single woman who is ready to find their committed life partner and get off the hamster wheel of the situationships and really learn how to date with intention. I am your guiding light. You can find me on Instagram at Lauren fondreast and my website, laurenfondrist.com I am opening up for coaching with more women and really looking forward to seeing that Guiding Light to help women date with more confidence and really feel That joy in meeting their partner. I love it. I

 

Emily Merrell  28:22

think you everyone that I know that’s single. I’m like, sending your way. It’s and you’ll, yeah, there’ll be, like, the next group of people too, who are divorced, or, you know, the next tier of individuals who want to reapproach I imagine at some point too,

 

Lauren Fondriest  28:39

exactly,

 

Emily Merrell  28:40

the market keeps growing. Well, Lauren, I before we leave, I would love to ask you some six fast questions to I know not get your brain twirling and whirling, and I know you’re overthinking it already, but my first question for you is tell me an unknown fun fact about Lauren.

 

Lauren Fondriest  29:02

Mm, I think my go to fun fact is that I used to run marathons. I ran the Chicago Marathon twice, and I ran three half marathons. This feels like ages ago. Now I’m trying to get back into my workout.

 

Emily Merrell  29:18

Wow, that’s amazing. I love that you used to run. Do we have a marathon in the future?

 

Lauren Fondriest  29:27

No, but I’m going to go to class tomorrow. You’re like,

 

Emily Merrell  29:31

that’s good enough. I love it. I’m going to change this question for you. But who would be a dream person that you would want to dating coach? It could be a celebrity or someone in the media or,

 

Lauren Fondriest  29:44

Oh, wow. Okay, so there was a show, oh my gosh, I’m blanking on the name of it. It was about, it was called Love and fair hope something. It was like a reality show about dating in Alabama. It. And the it followed a handful of real women as they were on their dating journeys. And it was one of those shows where I was yelling at the TV screen like you’d love to do, I would want to date coach them. Yeah, you’re like, all of you, let’s

 

Emily Merrell  30:21

sit down and talk about your values. Actually, I feel like you’re you’re onto something with everything from the bachelorette too, or like, you know, they’re like, Yeah, I’ll move to Kansas and be a farmer’s wife. I’m a, you know, multi six figure business owner in LA, but, yeah, that makes sense. I’ll do it for a while.

 

Lauren Fondriest  30:39

You’re like, no, not a good idea. No, no, not a good idea either.

 

Emily Merrell  30:45

I agree. What show are you currently watching and obsessed with?

 

Lauren Fondriest  30:51

I am currently watching palm Royale on Apple TV. That’s a fun one. Kristen Wiig is the main character, and it inspired me to have a party that was Palm royal themed. So we all got to wear our colorful dresses. Oh, I

 

Emily Merrell  31:07

love that. Like captains from Yes, yeah, exactly 60s. I love, I like that. Oh, fun dating mixer, you know, palm Royale themed,

 

Lauren Fondriest  31:18

yeah. Oh yes, you know, maybe for the summer,

 

Emily Merrell  31:21

what book are you reading? Or have you recently read?

 

Lauren Fondriest  31:27

You know, what book I started and I need to keep going with, is by the holistic psychologist. For those who follow her on Instagram, Dr Nicole Lapera. Is her name. She is constantly dropping her thumbs interpersonal relationships, and she wrote a book called How to be the love you see. And it really deeply resonates with the way that I create dating and coach on dating. So if you’re interested in learning more about dating intentionally. I definitely find that book how to be the love you see.

 

Emily Merrell  32:03

I think everyone, every one of our Instagram posts, I just share it to my sister. I’m like, yep,

 

Lauren Fondriest  32:08

yep, no, that’s

 

Emily Merrell  32:10

our family. Exactly. We had to do that. We Yeah, we still do that. That’s crazy. Yes, she’s great. What’s your favorite or most used emoji. Also, sorry, my dog wants to be part of this podcast now.

 

Lauren Fondriest  32:24

He’s definitely welcome the sparkle emoji, for sure. Think it was even in my Tinder profile. And you know, my husband must have appreciated that, because sparkly, bubbly person, I love it. And my final

 

Emily Merrell  32:42

question for you is, what permission Do you want to give our listeners today?

 

Lauren Fondriest  32:46

Such a good question, and I will go off of that sparkle emoji, step into your light, find what makes you shine, and share that with the world. Because the world needs your magic and whether you’re attracting your dream partner or your next career or anything that you want in life, best way to do that is to be authentic for you.

 

Emily Merrell  33:10

I love it. She’s gonna be life coaching after this, I feel like you could be life coaching as well. It’s amazing, Lauren, you are an absolute star, and you are that light, so continue spreading it across the world and helping other people find theirs. And thank you so much for sharing all of your wisdom on today’s episode.

 

Lauren Fondriest  33:30

Thank you so much, Emily and listeners,

 

Emily Merrell  33:33

if you like today’s episode, go give Lauren a follow shooter a DM with your favorite part of this episode, and we will see you the next time on the second degree with Emily Merrell. Have a great day, everyone. You.